It doesn’t take an idiot to be optimistic about this Liverpool side. But I am nevertheless an idiot, and stupidly optimistic about this upcoming season. I mean, how could we not be?
Last season, Liverpool absolutely pissed the league and were a penalty shootout away from lifting the Champions League. We were the best team in Europe (and the world) but just ran out of gas at the wrong time and it cost us a couple of trophies.
We were gassed, in part, by some scheduling misfortune: the Merseyside Derby was postponed and Aston Villa was preponed, which gave us a full February when we should’ve earned two midweeks off.
But that’s all in the past. This year? We’re winning the whole fucking lot. In addition to tying Mohamed Salah and Virgil van Dijk down for a couple of more years, we’ve added Europe’s top attacking midfielder in Florian Wirtz. We’ve added exiting fullbacks with blistering pace in Milos Kerkez and Jeremie Frimpong. We got Hugo Ekitike! And Alexander Isak is coming in through the door! And Rio Ngumoha looks like the real deal.
Additionally, we’re turfing out the beloved serial xG waster Darwin Nunez. We loved you Darwizy, but go trip over beautifully-weighted through balls on someone else’s dime.
Finally, as if we didn’t have enough drive to win, at the very least, a league and Champions League double, we have to win the whole fucking lot for our dearly departed lad from Portugal, our Forever #20, Diogo Jota. Liverpool will be on the march in England and Europe, and we’ll be doing it for you, Dio-goal.
Anyway, onto the preview:
August
Liverpool quasi start the season against Crystal Palace, and it’s the one “trophy” I’d be fine with them not winning. Because the Community Shield only counts for a trophy if you’re a small club like Manchester City. But, like most matches, Liverpool will be favorites, and it’s one last warm up before their season of ass-kicking commences.
Liverpool start off against Bournemouth, which is a bit rude, showing up with Kerkez like an ex showing up at your favorite restaurant with their far sexier new partner. They’ll get a front-row seat on Friday night at Anfield to watch the Reds roll out easy winners on the night and begin the season where they’ll end it: at the top of the table.
Then Liverpool travel to Newcastle, which is a bit rude, showing up with Isak like an ex showing up at your favorite restaurant with their far sexier new partner. Win.
And finally The Reds host Arsenal, who will be suffering in silence. Loudly. As Liverpool send them back to London with three points and dreams of doing their best Bufflo Bills impression with a fourth consecutive runner’s up finish.
September
In the league, Liverpool travel away to Burnley, host the Merseyside Derby, and are away to Palace. Palace will probably be the toughest challenge of the lot, but after starting the season with 5 wins on the trot, a draw away to Palace isn’t the end of the world. Although we should still beat them. Either way, we’ll be in good nick in the league when September draws to a close.
The Champions League also kicks off again in September, as does the League Cup. We don’t know our draw for either yet, but The Reds had one of the toughest draws last year, and absolutely pissed the League Phase. We will again, hopefully with kinder draws in both the League Phase and the Knockouts.
October
Chelsea away, Manchester United at home, and Brentford away is, on paper, a difficult stretch. However, Chelsea remain a fundamentally unserious club, though they are almost respectable compared to United, the fundamentally most unserious club in the Premier League.
Brentford away caused us problems in recent years, but after losing a lot of their core players and their head coach, it should be happier hunting grounds for The Reds.
November
November begins by hosting Aston Villa, then away to Manchester City. Villa have been tough away, but seem to enjoy rolling over and having their bellies rubbed at Anfield. I’m not here to kink shame. City away will be tough, as always, but by November we should be absolutely purring.
Then comes a fixture that probably made Arne Slot’s eye titch: Nottingham Forest at home after an international break. Forest’s voodoo spell over Slot has to end at some point, as it will in November. They end of the month away to West Ham, which is definitely a win.
December
Liverpool’s festive period should be quite joyous indeed. Liverpool start the month off against two promoted sides: at home against Sunderland and away to Leeds United. The Reds will face Leeds once again in the reverse fixture at the end of the month, meaning we’ll face promoted sides in half of the December matches.
In between Liverpool will host Brighton, travel away to Spurs, and host Wolves. All in all, a very good month, and if The Reds hadn’t managed to create some distance at the top of the table so far, this is a great opportunity to really put the hammer down.
January
Liverpool start the month with consecutive trips to London: away to both Fulham and Arsenal. Emirates Stadium was our toughest domestic away fixture last season, and it likely will be again. That said, Liverpool were able to peg Arsenal back—not once, but twice!—because Mikel Arteta is fundamentally a coward, and thought he could sit on a lead instead of going for the throat when he had the chance. People don’t change and he’s still fundamentally a coward.
Liverpool then finish the month by hosting Burnley and away to Bournemouth.
Meanwhile, the Champions League League Phase, which still sounds very dumb, finishes up, and the FA Cup begins. I’d expect Liverpool to once again finish top of the pops in the Champions League, setting up a tasty finish to the the season.
February
Last February, Liverpool laid down one of the underrated performances of the season away to Manchester City. This time they’re hosting City to start the month, and I expect they’ll once again do the business and continue their dominance at the top of the table.
They finish the month away to Forest and against West Ham at Anfield.
March
Away to Wolves, hosting Spurs, and away to Brighton is what’s in the cards for March in the league. All mid to lower league sides. This should be a few more wins, to be honest.
Liverpool will resume hostilities in Europe, with a view to lift the big one. With a little better luck this time, Liverpool should be favorites to at least make the semifinals, if not go all the way. Just kidding, we’re winning the fucking thing.
And The Reds will get a chance to avenge last season’s shock defeat to Newcastle by lifting the League Cup to end the month. Sounds good to me.
April
Liverpool host Fulham and Palace, with a Merseyside Derby at Everton’s shiny new stadium sandwiched in between. Which means The Reds won’t have to leave the City in Premier League action this month, which is pretty great because we’ll also have quarter and semifinals in the Champions League to worry about.
Plus quarter and semifinals in the FA Cup. April will be a blast.
May
By this time last season, the league was wrapped up with four games to go, and that sounds like a good plan to me. There are other trophies to win in May. Regardless, Liverpool will have the opportunity to once again humiliate Manchester United on their pitch, and will host Chelsea immediately thereafter. Even if the league is wrapped up, it’s always good to put both sides in their respective places.
The league season wraps up away to Villa in the penultimate match, and at home to Brentford on the last day.
The match against Villa will probably need to be moved though, because the FA Cup final is that weekend.
And then the season wraps up in Budapest, where our Hungarian lads Dominik Szoboszlai and Milos Kerkez can lift Ol’ Big Ears for our 7th European Cup.